okay, so we're in the beginning stages. we're testing out the waters we've all been dumped into. we're in the same boat. we're orbiting around one being while keeping our individuality ours, and our relationships separate.
pete doesn't like telling karen anything personal. i broached this subject a few weeks ago when we were talking about our place. wouldn't karen like to know that we're settling around her area and close to Six's school? wouldn't that knowledge help Six adjust to it easier? "I don't tell her anything about my personal life." ummmm.... it's Six's life, too. you're not telling her about my latest pap smear test or any of our personal conversations. you're giving her information about how her daughter is going to live in another house half of the time. i don't think that's "personal" information. she's going to come over some time.
last week, Six bragged about today being the last day of school for her. i hadn't heard anything about day camps or child care for THE NEXT THREE MONTHS. no one mentioned it. she has a few trips planned with her mom and step dad. but other than that, can we leave a six year old at home with five bucks and a cell phone? just kidding. i'd give her ten bucks.
i asked pete. what's going on with Six's day care? "i don't know. karen hasn't mentioned anything." ummm... it's NEXT WEEK. now THIS WEEK. now it's TOMORROW. it's been stewing in my head. today it burbled to the surface.
i tried not getting emotional over the phone. i told him that we're all in this together. it's fucking with my chi to not know what's happening ... is pete going to be expected to take care of her during the day? what about his school? what about his job? is he just going to take it because she DROPS the news on him that he needs to take care of her? which is fine. but THE DAY OF HER LAST DAY OF SCHOOL? karen has to have something in her brain about who is going to care for her child over the summer. and it pisses me off to no end that pete is just letting it go. he's just waiting for karen's word on what to do. i can't live like that.
apparently, this is how it's always been. karen drops her off when it's convenient for her, she asks pete to pick her up when she can't (with MAYBE hours notice), she switches days at her convenience. i don't get it. i just don't fucking get it. and he's let her do this over the years. "this is how she is." i replied "she's a grown woman. she knows how to get to a doctor's appointment. she knows when to leave for work. she knows what a schedule is. this is a human being."
you might think it's a power trip. that she's the mama so she gets to do what she wants. pete says that's how she is with everything. which I DON'T UNDERSTAND. this is your child's life, why can't the two of them have a conversation? i'd be happier with a power trip. i can deal with a power trip. i would throw logic at it. i would feed information to it. i would bake cookies for it. i would show it that we're on the same side and power trips aren't needed. that YES, she's the mama and makes decisions. just give pete information. have a conversation with the father of your child. i don't understand people that don't understand.
are we going to be responsible for paying for half of child care? summer camp? these are the things that GROWN UP people plan for. these are the things that GROWN UP PEOPLE do research on. these are the things that parent's usually DISCUSS ... i don't know BEFORE THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL.
maybe i don't understand. things have been like this for years. i'm new to the equation. this is how it's always been between the two of them. pete doesn't like it, but he's gotten used to it. i promise i'm not pulling a power trip. i feel like i'm throwing a tantrum. seriously, i was on the verge of tears at the beginning of this post. i feel a bit better now.
we're all in this together. we're going to have growing pains. i wish we could be grown up about it.
my issue is with their communication. there is none. should i let it go? it's my life, too.
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7 comments:
In my imagination, I'm holding your hand. Unless that's weird. In which case, I'm doing something non-weird. It felt a lot like this for me at first, too. The specifics were a little different, but the overwhelm and marrow deep frustration were life-alteringly painful. I've done lots of hard things in life, but figuring out how to live in a stepfamily was one of the hardest. But worth it! If you ever want to talk off line, you can always email me. Anyway, if it makes you feel any better, I'm imagining myself there with you, giving you hug.
thank you for your hugs and hand holding. i'm not a hand holder, but i appreciate the gesture.
I just stumbled upon your blog and I love it. I've been a stepmom for about a year now and it is definitely hard to get used to how things work with the kids, their mother, hubby, etc. Especially when you feel like someone else basically rules your world and whatever decision they make you have to go along with even if it is the last minute. Ugh. Good luck - keep plugging along. At least the good times are worth it.:)
I agree that as a step mom it is hard to see the communication break down between your husband and his ex. As an "ex wife" it is hard to have a "great" level of communication with your ex since usually that is a main reason you are not together, not to mention the history of the divorce and break-up. I feel for your situation and I know at least in my situation, it is not intentional to cause disruption or cause any inconvience even when it may seem that way. I know all situations are different though, and can only speak for myself. Keep smiling:)
thanks lori, and smilf. =)
Hi,
Yolanda it is difficult to be in the position of stepmom, especially so when you are viewed as an "outsider" or "intruder." Have you ever thought about having a virtual calendar? Therefore all the adults can enter things on the calendar so that everyone can be in the loop.
By the way, thanks for stopping by, and remember--this too shall pass!
I am so with you on this!
My hubby's ex also ruled everything. And in the beginning she was cool, we actually hung out. But that was while she thought she could control me too.
For the sake of my sanity, I had to learn about what was good for me. Not anyone else. But me. And then I had to find the backbone to stand up for myself. It's been long and painful. Not yet so sure it's been worth it (sadly).
This process all started last summer vacation, when she assumed, because I was not working, that I would drive an hour down to her house and babysit her kids and then drive an hour home every day during the summer vacation when she couldn't be there for her kids. Ummmm...wtf! I couldn't even believe it when my husband asked me if I would consider it. It was then that I decided what I would and would not do.
So in answer to your question..."communication, should you let it go".
No. Not when it impacts your life. Directly or indirectly (aka your husband's).
Again...good luck :-)
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