pete's back in town (i changed his name to pete). he and karen have assumed joint custody of Six. they split the week... him, wednesday afternoon through saturday afternoon. her, saturday afternoon through wednesday am. a few weeks ago, they were talking about maybe going a week at a time.
this past saturday, karen comes to pick up Six. pete asks if they're going to stay on the same schedule or go a full week. karen mouths the words "it's stressing her out, i'll talk to you later." cool. whatever. whatever works for Six.
karen calls the next day and they discuss. Six is "freaking out" that her dad is back. karen decides that it's best for Six if pete picks her up after school, provides after school care, and then goes home with karen. maybe they'd try a "sleepover" on fridays.
umm... what? i asked pete if this was something Six had offered up as information, or something karen had prodded her about. she was totally fine with us when we had her.
i know he hasn't been here, i know there's an adjustment period. i know how guilty pete feels for not being here for Six. and i know the guilt trip both his mom and karen wring him through every chance they get. i also know the things that karen has told Six about pete. outright lies. but...he's here now. he's not going anywhere. there's an adjustment period for everything, but wouldn't it be better for Six to get into a routine? that yes, her dad left to finish school (the credits wouldn't transfer to california because they were upper division), but now he's here.
what does a Six year old do that classifies her as "freaking out"? i don't have all the information. i get it, that Six is afraid that her dad is going to leave. i totally get it. i get having her normal schedule disrupted, but freaking out? what is she doing?
the thing is... currently the custody situation is 51-49 karen. they're going into mediation sometime this summer. is karen going to ask for full custody because Six is "freaking out"?
maybe it would be a good idea to go slow. have a few afternoons together. a day in the park. have a sleep over. he's home and all of a sudden she's the one that gets uprooted? i'm not a fan of this two house thing. it's ridiculous. i don't know how kids do it.
pete's mom is going to talk to Six. karen has talked to Six. pete hasn't had a chance to talk to Six about the SITUATION. feeling uprooted and scared and hurt is NORMAL, not a situation. he and karen need to sit down with Six and talk about her feelings, talk about what's going to happen. she deserves two parents. karen, also, isn't used to sharing daily parenting with pete. so i guess i should give her that.
blah. i didn't think my second post would be about this. any advice??
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2 comments:
Six probably did freak out at her mom's house. Could be a combination of thinking that's what her mom wanted (her mom wouldn't necessarily need to say or do anything to communicate that -- kids pick up stuff in an uncanny way) and of actually feeling shy and uncertain. Probably her mom wants her to be happy and comfortable and not to have to force her daughter to go away from her when she's asking not to. That's probably the situation the mom sees. Plus she probably really and truly thinks six's dad isn't the best guy. I think that's what divorced people tend to think about each other in general.
So, her story in her mind -- which is probably palpably real to her -- is that she's in a conundrum and her child is rightfully uncomfortable and what kind of mother would she be if she didn't help her child?
Six probably got to you guys' house, felt comfortable and okay and acted normal. But now the story at her mom's house is that she doesn't want to spend so much time with her dad, and her mom is probably giving her lots of attention and concern and love around the issue, so it will probably keep growing.
Kids are not grownups -- they desperately need the adults in their lives and often tell the ones they think are the their safest bedrocks (whether it's true or not) what they think those bedrocks want to her. They are absolutely helpless and unable to survive on their own. It's a survival thing. It's not a being a bad kid thing.
Six's dad should probably figure out what he wants and what he really and truly thinks should happen, and work it out with six's mom through talking with her, through mediation, or arbitration or the court -- but without suspecting her of bad motives. In the picture she sees she probably sees herself in a really bad pickle where her daughter needs her to fight for her. Just because she sees the picture totally wrong doesn't mean she's insincere. Six's dad shouldn't just give in out of fear, but it also won't help to be all suspicious and guarded. That will just send out vibes that will just make things worse.
I think Pete talking to six first is the most important thing. And then based on that conversation, deciding what he wants to work for. And then working for it firmly, open-mindedly, and openly -- but also pretty firmly -- as far as it needs to go, seems like the way to go to me.
It may just be that a conversation with six and then telling six's mom what six says to him (like "I was nervous, but now I'm fine" -- or whatever) and that she probably just needs an adjustment period but that he's here to stay and he loves six very much and he also wants to be an active parent to his daughter and co-parent to Karen might be more convincing than it might seem at first. Sometimes moms just need to hear the words that seem painfully obvious to the dads and stepmoms. And vice versa.
Sometimes not, but I would never suggest doing anything other than starting with trying that. Cause everything else seems like a super slippery slope to a big, bad, entrenched fight. You might end up there anyway. But you might not.
jill.... THANK YOU.
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