Step Up

the whole stepmom thing is daunting. it's a whole person that you are partly responsible for, part of the time. it's a whole set of people that will be involved in your lives forever, even if you haven't met them yet, even if you don't like them. it's someone else having ocassional control over your schedule. it's someone else's toes to try and not step on. it's a delicate dance to be learned.

i haven't met The Mom yet. phill (my boyfriend) and i have been together for over a year, but because he's out of state for now (he's in school, returning for good in the summer...another post, i promise), i've been able to avoid her. i've had a few close calls, but i haven't met her. i once offered to pick up a friend at the airport on christmas day so i wouldn't meet her. i once ran in the house as she was pulling around the corner and locked myself in the bathroom.

you what in the who? yep. i can't tell you how freeing that is to have that out there in the intarweb...i hid from her in the bathroom.

chicken? yes. procrastinator? yes.

what am i afraid of? it's going to happen sooner or later. i would rather it happen later. i do this, when i am in a situation that i'd rather not be in. i avoid. i close up. i do research. lots of it. did you know that some stepmoms are friends and they actually share blogs and tea and pilates and lunch and even play video games with their families? together?

The Mom is going to be in my life forever. i'd like to pretend for a little bit that we could get along, before finding out for sure that we can't get along. i'd rather pretend than find out. that's not fair, i know that. not fair to either of us. but it's what i do. i would rather have the possibility of getting a new car than finding out for sure that i can't. i don't like rejection, and i don't like difficult situations. but who does, right?

for now, i am deep in the "research and development" mode. there are a slew of stepmom blogs out there. some negative, some positive. i'm chosing to stick with the positive ones.

speaking of positive, Six (what i've chosen to call his daughter in this public place), is great. she really digs me. she's a funny, spunky, artistic, very smart, well behaved, good natured kid. she cheats at board games and loves princesses. we've had our moments. she hugs me, she sits in my lap, she holds my hand, and likes to be tickled. and sometimes i see her mom's influence in her, usually after she's seen her.

i'm excited for our lives together. for dropping off and picking her up at school. for story time. for lazy pancake breakfasts on saturday. for taking care of her when she's sick. for passing on my mom's stories and songs and goofy games. for hearing my parents' advice come out of my mouth. to say to her, as my dad was so fond of saying, "what you want to do and what you are going to do are two very different things." i wonder if i can say that with a straight face. is it even my place to do that?

we have a long way to go. phill and i are on the same page. i just have to meet The Mom and win her over with my wit and charm. and to show her that i deserve a spot on her daughter's team.