no, not ramona's. mine. tonight is open house. or parent teacher conferences. or back to school night. i keep getting them confused. tonight... tonight is the night that the four of us get together to back one little girl. tonight we play nice. tonight i meet the husband. tonight we smell the smell of new classroom. of sharpened pencils and boxes of crayons. construction paper and glue. i'm excited. and nervous. i'll play nice. this is kind of a big deal, right?
i haven't been to back to school night since... i think the 6th grade. will i fit in the tiny chairs? do they have tiny chairs? someone suggested happy hour. before or after? both?
just kidding. sorta. i'm sure it will be fine. i hope i don't sit there like a mute, as is my normal modus operandi.
she said no to the shared calendar and shared email address for ramona. ramona still has no health insurance, but ramona is starting karate lessons this week. i realize that she is six years old and they're probably not going to be all HAAIII YAAAAA for a while, but this kid can stub her toe standing still. she's accident prone. but aren't they all at this age?
i was sitting in the living room on friday. ramona was sitting in a chair to the side of me. she says "i have a project and i have to find out what all my family members like. so, eeelonda, since you're family, what do you like?" and my heart broke a little. i said "i like pizza." she responded, "i can't put a PIZZA in a BOOK, eelonda." so i said, "i like books". which was a good response because she said "okay! i can put a book in a book!"
she ran to me when she saw me in the kitchen. "EELONNDAAA!" and i hugged her and asked her how first grade was. the kid's cute. she makes sure i'm there at bedtime for story time. and the three of us crawl into bed and then the two of us fall asleep to her dad reading.
ladies, help me out here. should i talk to karen and tell her we're on the same page? that i have ramona's best interests at heart? just get karen drunk?
and i'm really not bitter. really and truly. do you guys know about my other blog http://writeonyo.typepad.com? i have another blog where i am funny and actually not judgmental. mental, yes. judgey, no. unless you cut me off in traffic, then i play dirty.
have you ever gotten flustered in front of someone?
i do. all the time. pete has a six year old daughter. i will call her ramona quimby, because she looks just like her. before i met her mom (we'll call her karen), i heard stories about her. i was, and still am, convinced that we will be buddies. pals. friends. only i'm SO dumb in front of her.
i hid in the bathroom the first time she came over. yep. totally did it.
what do you say to your boyfriend's ex? we're going to have a relationship with her for the rest of our lives. and it would be better if we could all get along. but i am not above hiding in the bathroom. it's not that she's mean. she's very nice, very pleasant. i just... don't know what to say to her.
my boyfriend had ess ee ecks with her. and that ess ee ecks is smart, funny, sassy, and quite cute. she calls me eelonda.
saturday karen was coming over to pick up ramona. i heard this, and went to the bedroom to read. i figured i'd hear her come in, pick up ramona, and leave. only i finished the book and got bored. pete and ramona were playing something in the living room. i walked in. ramona asked if i wanted to play monopoly. i told her i had to go to the bathroom, but yes. i'd totally play with them.
while i was washing my hands, i heard karen. i thought, fine. no prob. i'll just hang out in the bathroom until she leaves. i'll totally hide until she leaves. i heard ramona ask her if she wanted to play monopoly with us. she agreed. ramona told karen that eelonda was in the bathroom, but that i'd be out and play with them.
dammit. now i had to come out.
i came out. we played. my funny goes out the window in front of her. i have NO funny. i don't know what it is. i can't think of one witty or smart thing to say. i can't think of anything friendly to say. the first time i met her i told her i liked her purse. and i really did. but after that? nothing. i think that's the only thing i've ever said to her where i got a response. not that she was ignoring me, but that she actually heard me.
what the hell? do i need pills? what's my problem? the monopoly game went well. it was cool, the four of us playing. and i think that's important. i think that's way cool. ramona hasn't been to disneyland. i think we're all going to take her. i plan on being dumb the whole time. i'm sure this will go away. i'm sure i'll find my funny (or, geez...friendly or something) somewhere while i'm around her. but for now, if you can't find me, i'll be in the bathroom.
=======
karen is not a giver of information. she does not give information freely.
a few weeks ago, pete's mom asked when ramona started school. we looked at each other. dumbfounded. how could we not know when she started school?
i said i would go online. found out. also found out about an ice cream social they were having the friday before school started. i mentioned that to pete. fridays are days that he has ramona. wednesday afternoon, thursday night, friday night, saturday day. that's the schedule. that's what it's been ... well, since the last time she changed things a few months ago.
karen comes over a few weeks ago to pick ramona up. pete confirms, "so i'll see her on wednesday." karen responds, "no, thursday." pete counters, "not wednesday?" she responds, "no. thursday afternoon. i have friday off."
i'm watching this exchange like i'm sitting at a tennis match. i can't believe this. so he's a glorified nanny? wtf?
karen continues, "she has a thing to go to on friday."
a "thing"?? i know this "thing" she speaks of. it's a school function. and she's saying it's a "thing" and not giving information?
pete says "the ice cream social? i was planning on taking her to that."
and the gem... karen says "well, you can go if you want, but i wanted to go and sign up for the pta."
um.... you can go if you want???? isn't he the dad? isn't that a dad thing to go to? isn't that something that you should share with the father of your child? "hey, teacher assignments and an ice cream social is happening on blah blah blah, and by the way, school starts blah."
she's cutting back on his time with ramona. she says that ramona gets homesick. ramona misses home when she's not there. i think it's a load of crap. okay, maybe it's not a load of crap. pete had a conversation with karen about information. karen admitted she was wrong (!!), and apologized (!!!!) for not sharing information and for treating pete like a nany. but now, instead of having her wednesday through saturday, pete will have her ALTERNATING fridays and saturdays.
kids deserve to have both of their parents in their lives. my parents weren't divorced, so i never had to go through this. but if i were karen, i'd work on this. i'd organize group play dates. i'd do what i could to fix this, to help the situation. i'd do something so that my child would have a relationship with both of her parents. i wouldn't encourage it by cutting down her time with him.
am i biased? yes.
i created a shared calendar and email address yesterday. i told pete about it. i asked him if he thought karen would be interested or would she think i was encroaching on her territory. maybe she and i should have a conversation? i am ALL for sharing. i would even have her over for dinner.
should i have a conversation with her? what would i say? should i leave it alone? i suggested that pete talk to karen, to find out what he could do to make ramona feel more at home. there are pictures of her mom around. she has her "fluffy" that she takes to each house. pete said that he thought karen has said everything she has to say about the situation.
and of course, i think it's me. i think it's that i've offered insurance and she doesn't like it. i think it's that ramona tells her mom that she wants a wii at her house, too. and i know it's dumb, but that's what i think. of course it's about me, right?
this thing with the alternating weekends... it's going to bring them further apart. and i don't understand how karen can't see that. or maybe she can see that, and that's her point? i don't know.
ramona was thrown from a horse. which is what happens to kids. i'm all for kids doing dangerous stuff. jumping off whatever, climbing, running, playing. all for it. break your bones, ride your bike into a curb. this is the stuff that happens to kids.
kid was thrown from a horse. bruised elbow, no big deal.
i/we find out a few days ago that ramona. isn't. insured.
what. the. fuck.
pete had no idea she wasn't insured. last he heard, ramona was insured through her stepdad. apparently, ramona lost coverage for whatever reason. and someone put her on a horse on purpose anyway. it's not like she was sent to ballerina camp or basket weaving camp. HORSE CAMP. where these kids are underfoot of monsters weighing ... i don't know, however much horses weigh.
phill asks if i can look up how much it would be to cover her under my insurance. cool. whatever. then i start freaking out. oh, the pressure, the pressure. what if something happens to my job, what if we all lose coverage, the pressure the grown up responsibility. no way can i insure her. no way. i'm not a grown up. she's not my kid. i can't do it.
but i look into it. it's not going to be that much more a month. i tell phill, he tells karen, ramona's mom.
i hear his half of the conversation. he's telling her copays, monthly payment, medication costs. then he says "i'm pretty sure she doesn't mind because she called and found out.".
whatev.
i asked him later what it was all about. he said "you don't want to know what she said." so i left it alone, because he's usually right. my curiosity got the better of me.
what did she say? what could she have said that was rude? i'm offering her kid health insurance. did she call me names?.
"she said 'i don't know if your girrrlfriend's insurance is such a great idea.'"
what the hell does that mean? what's wrong with my insurance? i'm offering your kid insurance! and it's cheaper than the $65/month you mentioned. what's wrong with my insurance? nevermind the part earlier about me freaking out about being too grown up. fuck that. she's taking my insurance and that's that.
she's going to be the one making the appointments, setting them up, holding the insurance card. i'm just a carrier. what the fuck is her problem? you're biting the gift horse that feeds you? what's your alternative? TO KEEP YOUR DAUGHTER UNINSURED WHILE SENDING HER HAPPILY ALONG TO HORSECAMP?.
i got pissed. "tell her to stop sending ramona to horse camp. get something in writing that she refused health insurance. get something in writing, get something in writing, blah blah blah. what's wrong with my insurance? she would rather pay out of pocket if something happens?"
and good lord, did i mention that RAMONA WAS THROWN FROM A HORSE JUST WEEKS AGO AND COULD HAVE BROKEN SOMETHING?
phill sat and listened to me. then he said "she doesn't want to have to put your name all over everything." and i said "tell her to get a job that has insurance and that will fix that problem." he replied "she did say that people were telling her she was being stupid." so that's good. she has until the end of the year to come to her senses.
then i thought about it. and i calmed down. i thought of her side. i imagined myself sitting in the doctor's office, looking at the responsible party's name. the group name, the name that wasn't mine. the name that belonged to the girlfriend of the father of my child. the name of a woman that i hardly knew. and that would suck.
so i'm thinking about talking to her. maybe through the bathroom door. and it would probably come out something like this:
please take my insurance. i know it's not the ideal situation and that you'd rather do it yourself, but mine is cheaper, and it'll be really easy to add her and she'll be totally insured and please take it because what if something happens to her and she needs to go to the er? wouldn't you feel bad if you knew you could have had the er visit paid for but you said no? (maybe i'd leave that feel bad part out). please take my insurance. would it help you to know that i hid in the bathroom a couple of times when you came over? neither of us wants to be in this position, but we're in it, and we'll be around for a long time. so you don't even have to talk to me or look at me or march in a parade in celebration of me, just say yes, you'll take the insurance.
and then she would make fun of me for hiding in the bathroom and point at me and laugh, but she'd probably take the insurance and isn't that the bigger thing to do?
Thank you everyone for your comments. I'm sorry for not posting updates. As I'm sure you've assumed, things have been calm, mostly because Ramona Quimby (Six's new name) was out of town for two weeks, then at a camp for a week. We had her Friday night, and we'll have her sporadically this week.
Ramona's schedule changes every week. When it works for Karen. We usually have her Wednesday through Saturday. This week we have her Tuesday (I'm not complaining about the amount of days, just the inconsistency of it), Wednesday, and Thursday days, then Friday for an overnighter.
Karen and Ramona are obviously close. And that's great. When she's with us, she asks about her mom, when she's going home or when her mom is coming to pick her up. She tells us she misses her. A lot.
Is there anything you can suggest for that? We usually distract her with a game or a tickle fight, or remind her that she just saw her the day before and she'll see her soon.
Morocco, thanks for your suggestion on the shared calendars. I've seen the cuzi calendar. I read about some other step families that have found the shared google calendar helpful. Maybe I'll start that.
okay, so we're in the beginning stages. we're testing out the waters we've all been dumped into. we're in the same boat. we're orbiting around one being while keeping our individuality ours, and our relationships separate.
pete doesn't like telling karen anything personal. i broached this subject a few weeks ago when we were talking about our place. wouldn't karen like to know that we're settling around her area and close to Six's school? wouldn't that knowledge help Six adjust to it easier? "I don't tell her anything about my personal life." ummmm.... it's Six's life, too. you're not telling her about my latest pap smear test or any of our personal conversations. you're giving her information about how her daughter is going to live in another house half of the time. i don't think that's "personal" information. she's going to come over some time.
last week, Six bragged about today being the last day of school for her. i hadn't heard anything about day camps or child care for THE NEXT THREE MONTHS. no one mentioned it. she has a few trips planned with her mom and step dad. but other than that, can we leave a six year old at home with five bucks and a cell phone? just kidding. i'd give her ten bucks.
i asked pete. what's going on with Six's day care? "i don't know. karen hasn't mentioned anything." ummm... it's NEXT WEEK. now THIS WEEK. now it's TOMORROW. it's been stewing in my head. today it burbled to the surface.
i tried not getting emotional over the phone. i told him that we're all in this together. it's fucking with my chi to not know what's happening ... is pete going to be expected to take care of her during the day? what about his school? what about his job? is he just going to take it because she DROPS the news on him that he needs to take care of her? which is fine. but THE DAY OF HER LAST DAY OF SCHOOL? karen has to have something in her brain about who is going to care for her child over the summer. and it pisses me off to no end that pete is just letting it go. he's just waiting for karen's word on what to do. i can't live like that.
apparently, this is how it's always been. karen drops her off when it's convenient for her, she asks pete to pick her up when she can't (with MAYBE hours notice), she switches days at her convenience. i don't get it. i just don't fucking get it. and he's let her do this over the years. "this is how she is." i replied "she's a grown woman. she knows how to get to a doctor's appointment. she knows when to leave for work. she knows what a schedule is. this is a human being."
you might think it's a power trip. that she's the mama so she gets to do what she wants. pete says that's how she is with everything. which I DON'T UNDERSTAND. this is your child's life, why can't the two of them have a conversation? i'd be happier with a power trip. i can deal with a power trip. i would throw logic at it. i would feed information to it. i would bake cookies for it. i would show it that we're on the same side and power trips aren't needed. that YES, she's the mama and makes decisions. just give pete information. have a conversation with the father of your child. i don't understand people that don't understand.
are we going to be responsible for paying for half of child care? summer camp? these are the things that GROWN UP people plan for. these are the things that GROWN UP PEOPLE do research on. these are the things that parent's usually DISCUSS ... i don't know BEFORE THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL.
maybe i don't understand. things have been like this for years. i'm new to the equation. this is how it's always been between the two of them. pete doesn't like it, but he's gotten used to it. i promise i'm not pulling a power trip. i feel like i'm throwing a tantrum. seriously, i was on the verge of tears at the beginning of this post. i feel a bit better now.
we're all in this together. we're going to have growing pains. i wish we could be grown up about it.
my issue is with their communication. there is none. should i let it go? it's my life, too.
pete and Six on the way home from school today.
Six: where's eelonda? (i will be sad the day she can say my name)
pete: she's at work.
Six: i don't like her working. she should quit.
now if only i could get her to pick up her plate instead of a defiant "no".
i think i sound whiny in my posts. i definitely don't want this to be a whiny blog. but i think it's starting out whiny.
SO, i have resolved NOT to post when i am pms-y and craving carbs. i'll only post when i sound grown up and responsible and not at all whiny or blamey.
was that whiny?
Six did not stay home from school yesterday. karen took the day off of work to be able to take Six to school and pick her up after school. pete is going to have Six after school today, then for a sleepover tomorrow. no conversations were had yesterday between Six and pete, or Six and grandma.
so i assume the "situation" that has been a situation for about five days is no longer a "situation". and this fire drill was just a fire drill? pete's broken up about it. it was a situation with phone calls all over and it all of a sudden stopped being a big deal. which is confusing, but good. if it's not a big deal anymore, then Six is back to "normal".
i think it has to do with proof. we all need to prove to each other that Six is our focus. karen and pete need to get on the same page, pete and Six need to get on the same page, he has to prove to her that he is indeed not going anywhere, and i have to fit in there somewhere, too. proof takes time. trust takes time. respect takes time, and it's only been a week. so we'll go slow. take little bites.
jill, thank you for your words.
pete's back in town (i changed his name to pete). he and karen have assumed joint custody of Six. they split the week... him, wednesday afternoon through saturday afternoon. her, saturday afternoon through wednesday am. a few weeks ago, they were talking about maybe going a week at a time.
this past saturday, karen comes to pick up Six. pete asks if they're going to stay on the same schedule or go a full week. karen mouths the words "it's stressing her out, i'll talk to you later." cool. whatever. whatever works for Six.
karen calls the next day and they discuss. Six is "freaking out" that her dad is back. karen decides that it's best for Six if pete picks her up after school, provides after school care, and then goes home with karen. maybe they'd try a "sleepover" on fridays.
umm... what? i asked pete if this was something Six had offered up as information, or something karen had prodded her about. she was totally fine with us when we had her.
i know he hasn't been here, i know there's an adjustment period. i know how guilty pete feels for not being here for Six. and i know the guilt trip both his mom and karen wring him through every chance they get. i also know the things that karen has told Six about pete. outright lies. but...he's here now. he's not going anywhere. there's an adjustment period for everything, but wouldn't it be better for Six to get into a routine? that yes, her dad left to finish school (the credits wouldn't transfer to california because they were upper division), but now he's here.
what does a Six year old do that classifies her as "freaking out"? i don't have all the information. i get it, that Six is afraid that her dad is going to leave. i totally get it. i get having her normal schedule disrupted, but freaking out? what is she doing?
the thing is... currently the custody situation is 51-49 karen. they're going into mediation sometime this summer. is karen going to ask for full custody because Six is "freaking out"?
maybe it would be a good idea to go slow. have a few afternoons together. a day in the park. have a sleep over. he's home and all of a sudden she's the one that gets uprooted? i'm not a fan of this two house thing. it's ridiculous. i don't know how kids do it.
pete's mom is going to talk to Six. karen has talked to Six. pete hasn't had a chance to talk to Six about the SITUATION. feeling uprooted and scared and hurt is NORMAL, not a situation. he and karen need to sit down with Six and talk about her feelings, talk about what's going to happen. she deserves two parents. karen, also, isn't used to sharing daily parenting with pete. so i guess i should give her that.
blah. i didn't think my second post would be about this. any advice??
the whole stepmom thing is daunting. it's a whole person that you are partly responsible for, part of the time. it's a whole set of people that will be involved in your lives forever, even if you haven't met them yet, even if you don't like them. it's someone else having ocassional control over your schedule. it's someone else's toes to try and not step on. it's a delicate dance to be learned.
i haven't met The Mom yet. phill (my boyfriend) and i have been together for over a year, but because he's out of state for now (he's in school, returning for good in the summer...another post, i promise), i've been able to avoid her. i've had a few close calls, but i haven't met her. i once offered to pick up a friend at the airport on christmas day so i wouldn't meet her. i once ran in the house as she was pulling around the corner and locked myself in the bathroom.
you what in the who? yep. i can't tell you how freeing that is to have that out there in the intarweb...i hid from her in the bathroom.
chicken? yes. procrastinator? yes.
what am i afraid of? it's going to happen sooner or later. i would rather it happen later. i do this, when i am in a situation that i'd rather not be in. i avoid. i close up. i do research. lots of it. did you know that some stepmoms are friends and they actually share blogs and tea and pilates and lunch and even play video games with their families? together?
The Mom is going to be in my life forever. i'd like to pretend for a little bit that we could get along, before finding out for sure that we can't get along. i'd rather pretend than find out. that's not fair, i know that. not fair to either of us. but it's what i do. i would rather have the possibility of getting a new car than finding out for sure that i can't. i don't like rejection, and i don't like difficult situations. but who does, right?
for now, i am deep in the "research and development" mode. there are a slew of stepmom blogs out there. some negative, some positive. i'm chosing to stick with the positive ones.
speaking of positive, Six (what i've chosen to call his daughter in this public place), is great. she really digs me. she's a funny, spunky, artistic, very smart, well behaved, good natured kid. she cheats at board games and loves princesses. we've had our moments. she hugs me, she sits in my lap, she holds my hand, and likes to be tickled. and sometimes i see her mom's influence in her, usually after she's seen her.
i'm excited for our lives together. for dropping off and picking her up at school. for story time. for lazy pancake breakfasts on saturday. for taking care of her when she's sick. for passing on my mom's stories and songs and goofy games. for hearing my parents' advice come out of my mouth. to say to her, as my dad was so fond of saying, "what you want to do and what you are going to do are two very different things." i wonder if i can say that with a straight face. is it even my place to do that?
we have a long way to go. phill and i are on the same page. i just have to meet The Mom and win her over with my wit and charm. and to show her that i deserve a spot on her daughter's team.
